I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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