I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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