her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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