she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Boobs speak an international language.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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