Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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