I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
