paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize