I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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