I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize