so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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