Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.