this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
