brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
