There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
