Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
