Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
