My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard