My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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