You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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