Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
