She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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