I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
