So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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