I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
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You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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