I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
