What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize