I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
