I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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