she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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