How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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