literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
