if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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