I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
