i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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