You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
