I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
