If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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