His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
