i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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