I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
