Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
