Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize