so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
