I just threw up on my dentist
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Randomize
