This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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