So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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