I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
