i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
