Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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