I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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