YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
