Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
