ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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