it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
