omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
